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Agony Designer

Heaven! Love! Freedom!
What a dream,
oh poor crazed Girl!
You melted to him as snow does to a fire;
Your great visions strangled your words -
And fearful Infinity terrified your blue eye!

What's drowning like.

Sometimes I feel like drowning.

It starts with feeling all weary and as if the blood inside you becomes all thick suddenly. Breathing isn't easy then and you feel uncomfortable and in the wrong place. Though there's that feeling of the thick blood there's something like a void. A neverending void. You can feel it deep inside you if you start asking for some sense or reason. Then you try to do something. Something creative maybe. Something useful maybe. Something filling the void, the emptiness inside you. Desperate you take a pen into your hand. Or a pencil. Or anything else. Just to throw it away some minutes after. You sit down. You try again. Failure. It's as if you throw something into the void. It's as if you try badly to fill the void. To make it disappear. You hunker down. Maybe you hum a melody. Lowly. Not for the world. Just to comfort. Breathing gets harder then and you have no chance to escape. You want to open all the windows, let the wind in and the cold rain perhaps. You don't open the windows. You even don't know why. You turn on some music. Some sad song. But you realize it's not fitting. And you chose another. Not fitting either. You walk around in your room. Senselessness. What is this senselessness? Looking through the windows you can see some leaves, swirling through the air. You stare at it for some time. You slip to the floor or maybe you slip down unto your bed. Coil yourself up. You wish you could feel some coldness. Some sadness. Something to explain your feelings. Something taking away this senselessness that seems to follow you day for day. But nothing happens. Nothing comforts you. And nothing it seems can make you cry. And all the time. It's all the same. And all the same and nothing will go the way it should. And it will be all the same. Nothing will get any better. Everything will remain the way it has been. Wherefore shall we dream? Wherefore shall we try? Wherefore shall we live?

And slowly you sink deeper. And deeper. And deeper.

And you drown.

8.2.09 18:41


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