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Agony Designer

Heaven! Love! Freedom!
What a dream,
oh poor crazed Girl!
You melted to him as snow does to a fire;
Your great visions strangled your words -
And fearful Infinity terrified your blue eye!

But when winter comes

The snowflakes were falling unto her skin. "But I thought it was still summer?," she said, trembling, the snowflakes melting on her honey-coloured skin. "Well, the flowers will die now," he laughed at her foolishness. "Yes, they'll die. The red ones, the pink ones, the yellow ones. Die, die die." He danced in a circle. Wide-eyed she stared at him. "No more lilies, no more roses. No, no." Her eyes were burning with tears, she struck him. "What the hell are you talking about?!" He gazed at her, astonished by the strucking, hand on his cheek. "I don't want the flowers to diiee!,"she cried, picking up some of the already withering violets. Her dark hair fell into her face when she bent down. He watched her silently, his lips pressed together. She looked up again. Tears in her eyes. "But why did winter come so fast?," she said lowly. "I thought it was still summer..,"she repeated the words again and again until they remained nothing but a whisper. "..thought....still summer..". Her skin seemed so pale suddenly, the flush vanished from her cheeks. His gaze at her was cold like the snow falling all around them. "Death is all around. I'm scared..I..I don't want him to....," she whispered, threw herself into his arms, she felt so weak and weightless. Surprised he closed his arms around her, let them stroke over her back. She was sobbing "He will get me too. He will..he..he..will get me as well as the flowers, the beautiful flowers..and the leaves." "Yes. In the end he will," he said, having no comfort in his voice and also his hands on her back, his fingers in her dark curls bore no warmth for her. Her sobbing abrubtly stopped when he tightened his embrace, looking now almost like a snake about to devour its victim. Her eyes widened more, but she couln't make a sound, her mouth open as if to scream. His fingers digged into her fallow skin, her eyes filling with tears. Dry tears. Her body was drying slowly, she closed her eyes, some tears streaming from them still, unable to move or do anything else, limp like a puppet in his arms. When he finally released her she sank into the snow, her arms and legs like sticks, her face like the mask of death himself. He stared down at her figure, her limbs. Dead she was. Dead she must be. He didn't feel something like compassion. He picked up some of the flowers she'd dropped, strewing them over her body. "Sleep well, my dear. Sleep till spring comes to awake you again." He stood there for some long time, watching how the snow slowly covered her with its white blanket. And then everything was still.

25.4.09 13:55


What's drowning like.

Sometimes I feel like drowning.

It starts with feeling all weary and as if the blood inside you becomes all thick suddenly. Breathing isn't easy then and you feel uncomfortable and in the wrong place. Though there's that feeling of the thick blood there's something like a void. A neverending void. You can feel it deep inside you if you start asking for some sense or reason. Then you try to do something. Something creative maybe. Something useful maybe. Something filling the void, the emptiness inside you. Desperate you take a pen into your hand. Or a pencil. Or anything else. Just to throw it away some minutes after. You sit down. You try again. Failure. It's as if you throw something into the void. It's as if you try badly to fill the void. To make it disappear. You hunker down. Maybe you hum a melody. Lowly. Not for the world. Just to comfort. Breathing gets harder then and you have no chance to escape. You want to open all the windows, let the wind in and the cold rain perhaps. You don't open the windows. You even don't know why. You turn on some music. Some sad song. But you realize it's not fitting. And you chose another. Not fitting either. You walk around in your room. Senselessness. What is this senselessness? Looking through the windows you can see some leaves, swirling through the air. You stare at it for some time. You slip to the floor or maybe you slip down unto your bed. Coil yourself up. You wish you could feel some coldness. Some sadness. Something to explain your feelings. Something taking away this senselessness that seems to follow you day for day. But nothing happens. Nothing comforts you. And nothing it seems can make you cry. And all the time. It's all the same. And all the same and nothing will go the way it should. And it will be all the same. Nothing will get any better. Everything will remain the way it has been. Wherefore shall we dream? Wherefore shall we try? Wherefore shall we live?

And slowly you sink deeper. And deeper. And deeper.

And you drown.

8.2.09 18:41

She spoke of him. O but not of him.

He saw her sitting on her high throne, her head was lowered a bit but a warm smile like honey on her lips. He sat beside her on the floor. The warmth of her closeness floading through him like sweet wine. Her silken, auburn curls framed her beautiful, slightly blushed face. She spoke lowly and in a sweet voice. Her words flowed out of her like a stream of warm, perfumed water, filling the room and making him become even more dizzy. For a moment she looked at him but he didn't notice that she looked through him. Speaking in shy, girlish words of him. O but not of him attending her here on the floor. Of some one else. Her mouth was hot and the blush on her cheeks darkened when she went on with her words. Her pale fingers, lying on soft layers of apricot lace and heavy brocade, were trembling from desire. But it wasn't him whom she desired, whom she longed for. Her clouded eyes looked like melting amber to him when she turned her head upwards and told about his eyes clear and deep as water, his more than well-shaped face, looking like a sculpture of Adonis made by Michelangelo himself. Her voice fainted, she looked so lost in her vision. He didn't hear her talking anymore and some kind of sickness spread in his body and made his limbs become dull. She looked down on him, the bones inside her white flesh hurt and she felt the blood thumbing inside her head. She swallowed and slightly wetted her dry lips. She knew that she was only talking about visions that would never come true. She threw a glance at him, lying on the floor. Her eyes turned cold. "O why does this world have to be so cruel?," she asked herself and layed two fingers upon her temple. She could feel the blood. The blood. Once more she looked down at him. She sighed and now there seemed to sparkle something like pity through the haze of her eyes. She played with a silken ribbon of her gown. Sank back in her throne. the little pearls on the lace of the dress were gleaming in the dim light of the fire. She shivered slightly though she wasn't cold. She closed her eyes. She looked as if she were sleeping. He looked up at her, still sick from her words. "Why not me?," he thought in a mixture of grief and rage. She opened her eyes as if he had said something. Silently she looked at him. He hesitated for a moment. She smiled a weak smile. "I have to go now..," he lied. She knew he lied but he thought she would believe him. "Yes.," she said. Nothing more. Her words didn't sound sternly but she hadn't spoken them in her soft, honeylike voice either. Without any more words he went away, struggling against the love inside his body, driven from his disappointment and ire. She watched him leaving. Remained on her damask seat. She felt weak and broken. She didn't care about his disappearance, soon being lost again in her thoughts about her one and only Adonis. The one she would never reach. Whose skin she would never feel against hers. Who would never hold her. Never, never, never. Silently she fell. Fell even deeper. Fell even more. Fell just like him, just like him, who was leaning against a cold wall and thinking about her.


26.10.08 15:22

The daisies.

Drown your sorrow. Drown in sorrow. Random thoughts and the smell of summer. Some daisies for the bride. For the bride with the sad face. For the bride with the bloody veil. Can you hear the fiddlers? Can you hear the birds? Oh violate her grave. But what about the flowers? "What about the flowers?," she cried out. The tears were running down her cheeks, dropping from her white chin. Oh oh oh her cheeks were rosy. Rosy cheeks. The bride with the sad face with the rosy cheeks. The bride with the bloody veil. Dance. Dance. Dance because there won't be a tomorrow for you. Snow. Snow. Snow in summer? Where have the daisies gone? "Where are the daisies ?," she asked him with an anxious voice. Oh oh oh didn't she see the malice in his eyes? Oh she was always such a trustful little girl. And she's holding the bloody veil. Where are the daisies? She was always the young and innocent girl. I should have known. I should have known. She's putting a chain of daisies on her head. Sitting in the grass. Laughing. In her white dress. And the veil. She laughed at him. And then she didn't laugh anymore. She tried to scream when he forced her to the floor. When she felt his rough hands around her frail throat. The daisies. The daisies. Her pale eyes widened. She tried to breathe but his grip was too tight. Tears. Tears on her porcelain face. Tears like pearls. The Daisy chain falling off her head. Oh the daisies. Oh poor maid. Poor maid. On the meadow. On the meadow they found her. Her veil was bloody.


17.10.08 23:00

Winter's here

I guess I never felt so damn lonely.

Do you mind me sitting here beside you? No? And talking..? Do you mind me talking? Okay..then I'll be silent. I can't sit still. Thoughts come to my head. Making me go insane. Gnawning at my perfect lies. Are you still here? Okay.. I thought I've made you go away. Can I take your hand? I'm so lonely. Please. I don't know where to go. Thank you.. Can you tell me something? Maybe something about yourself? Simply because I'm so lonely. I like your voice. It's calm and warm. Warm as your hand.

30.8.08 23:47

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